Round 5

According to the doctors i just finished round 5 of chemo. It seems like it has been so much longer than that, but then I remembered that I had 42 days of chemo before round 1 officially began! So even though it's been 6.5 months I can only say I'm 5 months into the year. 

Paul felt strongly each month would get harder as my body weakened. I thought it would get easier as my body got used to it. I think Paul was right. 

I moved my start date back a few days this cycle so I could help lead our church women's retreat last Saturday. It was really important to me to have that opportunity and to feel like I'm using some of my gifts in some way. I pretty much slept the week before the retreat, led, started chemo and then slept this entire last week. My naseau has increased greatly and most days last week I couldn't even look at coffee or most food. I even threw away a full pumpkin spiced latte! That gives you a sense for how bad it was!  We were more prepared this round and Paul got permission to work from home most of the week. That allowed me to rest more and he did a lot of kid errands. I'm noticing my taste buds are really off and I taste metal with most food. I hope that is temporary with the meds though some people experience a loss of taste permanently from chemo and radiation. I feel like the new seizure meds are helping and they have a component of lessening extreme responses. I was really struggling with quick movements and loud noises and it seems a little better. 

It's all just a balancing act that I don't have a handle on yet. If I try to get out, exercise and do things I like, then I spend days recovering and feeling completely wiped out. If I lay in bed I feel gross and sad. 

The theme of our women's event was Mercy Triumphs and it was focused on the book of James. We spent time in groups walking through personal trials and then moving toward giving and receiving mercy in our lives. It was such a powerful day. One of the takeaways for me was a point that I didn't remember to share! Nevertheless it made an impression on me.  It was this concept: if we look at our current trials and imagine possible long term outcomes of these trials, how would or could the outcome be different if we show up to the trial with a heart of mercy (as defined by a recognition of affliction and a desire to show kindness in difficult situations). In other words, how different could be the outcome if we depend and rely on Gods mercy in our trials versus our own accord?

As the room of 55 women buzzed with chatter I just sat in awe of how beautiful the community is that I am a part of and how blessed I am to still be learning and growing. 

It certainly helped me this week in bed to not be so hard on myself about what I can't accomplish right now, because too often my focus is on what doesn't happen instead of the goodness and grace that surrounds me. 

As always, I am so grateful for your prayers. I meet with the doctors again at the end of October to re-evaluate and check blood counts. I will have another MRI in November and then they will decide whether I keep going or not. I'm not sure what decision to even hope for so I'm just trusting the way will be made clear.