Secret Clubs

I felt that after I became a mother my life changed in such a dramatic way... physically and emotionally, that I wanted to surround myself with other young mothers so we could process the joys and struggles together.  I could see how different my conversations were and how the experiences my body had been through changed the frame of my life.  I have often felt that way about my walk as a Christian because with some friends I can talk freely about my faith and about what God is up to, while other friends are uncomfortable in such a dialogue.

Shortly after my diagnosis last winter, I received letters from someone I don't know who heard of my story and she talked about cancer in this way, sharing that in many ways it is a club that nobody wants to be in, but nonetheless there is an understanding that is reassuring to speak with someone who really understands.

Of the many people that reached out to me, there was one woman at First Presbyterian... Becky Stalnaker who would send emails and letters of care and support.  Becky was a faithful and strong Christian who was active in many levels of the church.  She was a missionary, a Bible study leader, a delegate, an advocate, a wife, a mother and so much more.  She mailed me a gorgeous painting of First Pres that I had my eye on and a cookbook she found in her home that was hand written in Seattle.  She read my blog faithfully but apologized for not commenting because it was too hard for her.

While I was home in June I was struggling to get together with everyone who I wanted to see but I felt so compelled to make time to see Becky.  She had been battling Ovarian cancer for a few years.  I went to see her and for the first time since everything started last December I felt that someone really understood what I was going through.  She was candid with me, spoke openly about her feelings, about God, about how insanely hard this is and offered so much candid and honest wisdom that I wanted to sit with her for days.  

I received news this week that she was in hospice and I looked to Paul with sadness and said "I might never see Becky again..." I secretly hoped that for my sake she would bounce back and I could see her this winter when I am in PA again.  And then this morning I got a notice that she passed on last night.  

Today my heart hurts for a lot of reasons, mostly because I am confused about my desire to rejoice for a life so well lived, a life so focused on God and justice and service, and my sadness about this strange club that I'm in.  I'm grateful to know her and yet I know she would be so candid in agreeing that this isn't a place anyone wants to gather.  

So instead I'll bear witness to the breath of God that she was to others and I'll remember to be a stronghold for someone else who is looking for a voice of hope and truth in tough times.