New growth, the good kind

In the past few months, things have continued to feel very normal.  The last two rounds were rougher than I expected because the in-between time has been so great.  However, rough has a new meaning.  It means that I feel the fatigue and I need to rest.  At this point in my journey I am able to recognize the signs, know what my body needs and respond appropriately.  Being aware of the warning signs helps me to feel so much more in control.  Probably the hardest part of the chemo weeks is my lack of desire to be healthy.  I only feel a desire to eat comfort food and I have no energy to prepare anything.  I don't have the ability to exercise, which is what has been giving me the feeling of strength.  It is still hard to remember in those weeks that I will eventually get back to my active self.

My last two MRI scans have come back clear, which is always a reason to rejoice.

Though I have made my proclamation that I'm not sick (which still holds true based on how I feel and act and live), the facts still linger about the 100% recurrence rate.  So, my mind still occasionally reverts back to the thought of when I'll be back in the place that I was last year and the thought of a second craniotomy.

I still continue to be incredibly blessed by the community that God has provided for me.  My Bible study surrounds me with so much love and encouragement, in addition to the weekly gift of purple carrots.  My neighbors regularly ask about how I feel and what I need but they don't focus on it and they don't intrude.

I also keep in the forefront of my mind that my role is to live into my beliefs.  To say things your whole life and claim that you believe is different than living through difficulty and truly living in a way that reflects that the promises are true and real.  Even if my doctors will never say that I am "healed," I really feel so strongly that I have been made well.  The gifts of the Holy Spirit are more present and real than I ever imagined.

So, I will return to my oncologist on May 20th and begin my last round of chemo that week (to even utter those words gives me chills).  I am so looking forward to a healthy and happy and strong summer of sunshine and friends and family.

And so, yes, the new growth is certainly in my soul, but also in my appearance!!!  I feel so blessed to have tons of new hair growing in some of the bald spots (not all), but the new hair is CURLY, SO CURLY!  Everyone told me it would grow back differently, but it is impossible to control the side hairs by my right ear and the hair in the back.  Paul helps me try to flat iron it and I use a lot of gels and sprays to help it to not stick out like springs, but I have no reason to complain.  It is just a reminder to me that my life looks different now than it used to.  The hair is a symbol of gratitude.

A few months ago, my friend Kelsey was struggling through some things with school and lamenting that life is hard.  I said to her, "life doesn't get easier, it gets harder, but in the midst of the difficulty, you also get stronger." I imagine my 20 year old self full of insecurity that my hair didn't look good and now I see my crazy curly hair as a sign of redemption and hope.  I will continue to lean in to my faith and to live out what I believe.  I hope you do too.