Round 2, week 2

I finished out the 5 days of chemo for round two and I can say that I was completely wiped out.  I slept the majority of every day last week and over the weekend.  I felt very nauseaus Saturday and Sunday and took some extra zofran.  Today I feel quite a bit better so far and I am hoping the worst is behind me.  I can honestly say I didn't see that coming and I was totally unprepared to be out of comission. 

I am grateful however that we were able to throw a very successful birthday party for Maeve, get out for a quiet dinner and go to the zoo this weekend.  Between all of those events I was sleeping deeply, again so grateful for a husband who picks up the pieces, for friends who help in amazing ways and for God's provision when I have little to offer.  

When you notice the bigger picture

You know how when you go to look at a car at a dealership and then when you drive around that day you see a million of that same car?  And somehow before you never noticed a single one?  

When I was diagnosed in December I had never known anyone with a brain tumor.  When I returned to Seattle and I met Bill at church with the same tumor I was blown away.  Shortly thereafter I started meeting people here and receiving cards from people all over the country with the same diagnosis who were willing to share their story, listen, and pray.  

A friend from the church camp I used to attend invited me to become friends with Jamie, a teacher and young mother in PA who had been battling her tumors for 8 years.  Her boys were the same ages as my two children and when we started communicating she was so cheerful and positive.  She had already had two brain surgeries and her tumor had regrown.  It is at a place where they will never be able to fully remove it.  She warned me that she lost all of her hair from radiation and she encouraged me so much to fight hard and be brave.  

I've never met her and have only communicated with her a few times.  She offered to have her oldest call Noah to talk to him about what it's like to have a mom with a brain tumor.  Her facebook page is full of videos of her kids singing made up fight songs about beating the tumor.  She says every time how grateful she is for the time she has had... she says she lives on borrowed time and for that she is so happy.

On Friday I scrolled through notices from friends on facebook to see her husband post that she had a 3 and a half minute seizure in school on Friday and possibly a stroke and that she was taken to Mt. Nittany hospital.  It was like a dagger to me.  I immediately started to pray for her husband and children and for God's intervention into her illness.  I ask that you would also join the hundreds of people praying for Jamie Covol.

In church we have been studying "The Whole Story" and reflecting on how looking at the big picture of the Bible as an encompassing narrative can change our perspective.  God and God's grace aren't summed up in a quick catchphrase, but are all permeating and encompassing.  In our small groups yesterday we talked a lot about how we get so wrapped up in our own story that we lose sight of the big picture and of a broader perspective.   Ultimately we know that our trials are small, but it takes a little (or big) nudge to remind us that God is bigger and God's story is bigger than our day to day "issues."  

And so 6 months ago I would have heard the words brain tumor and seizure and had a small amount of empathy, but now that my story is connected to Jamie's story and to so many other stories, I am reminded again that we are not in this alone.  Sometimes it might feel like we are, but there is a whole world of people who are going through "stuff" big and little that is important and challenging and worth our attention and care.  

So,if you would, take a minute and pray for Jamie Covol that she will soon be home and reunited with her children and for every person today that you meet remember that they too are a beloved child of God.

Round 2, Week 1

Well, this super woman completely underestimated the power of the giant word TOXIC on the front of my sealed meds.  I took the first dose of chemo Monday night and went to sleep.  I felt a little sick in the morning but nothing big.  Around noon on Tuesday I couldn't stand up and went to sleep for most of the day.  

Wednesday was fairly similar.  Yesterday I was able to function a little bit better and today I had an okay morning but I'm about to head up for a nap.  There is a very heavy exhaustion that feels as though it is sitting on my shoulders.  

Paul keeps trying to tell me that I'm doing too much and perhaps I am.  However, I am filled with a combination of a list of things that have to be done.... my kids need to eat, they need clothes to wear, etc. and a desire to maintain as much normalcy as possible.  I believe that the routines of every day life are beneficial to me as well as to my family and so I think it's healing to be packing lunches and doing laundry.  It helps me to feel like I am contributing and that things are okay. 

It is also a great mental boost to know that it is only for 5 days at a time.  I do very well in sprint mode and so I can talk myself into 5 days without being overwhelmed.  

I also have been praising God again for God's perfect timing.  For this first round I'm home with Paul and the kids.  I'll be fully out of this round and then I'll be doing some traveling with the kids.  The second round won't start until well after the travels are over.  Those dates were picked without my input and so I'm grateful that our schedule can remain intact and that I won't go through any of the treatments alone.  

I'm slowly chipping away at the mountain of boxes and finding treasures and photos I haven't thought about in a while.  It is a good process to look at something you haven't seen in a year and take stock of whether or not it is important to keep.  If you haven't used it in a year......

I forget and then...

Generally I don't live as I imagined someone with brain cancer might live.  I don't know why I thought that the second you are diagnosed with a disease that you immediately live differently.

One thing that IS very different is how stories of cancer, especially ones from people I know personally affect me very differently and quite deeply.  I regret not asking more questions and not being more involved in the care of so many who have gone through this.

Last week I was going about my ordinary business and I heard on NPR that Beau Biden had died of brain cancer.  I started to tear up quickly and start to look up information about his illness and what type of tumor he had.  The information has been kept very private, but what was released was that he seems to only have been in treatment for two years.  In an ordinary day I don't even think the word cancer.  I am more likely to worry about what is for dinner and whether the bathroom is clean but stories like this, even if they may have no bearing or relation to my story,  have the ability to strike the demon of fear to rise quickly.

I have to remind myself again and again to turn my head toward hope instead.  It is a physical, mental  and spiritual choice to do so.

But in addition to that it is a reminder of me to resist living in the mundane.  In these ordinary, healthy, homework and tantrum filled days I am so quick to forget how sacred life is.  When I am faced with a great trial or a difficult choice I can easily turn to God for guidance and direction, but the more "normal" life is, the less I realize how sacred and special it all is and I sinfully take it for granted.  So, even though we are far from the lenten season I'll take the lenten discipline to turn from sin into my thoughts and prayers again, remembering to ask more, to care more, to be invested and involved in all of God's beloved and especially the ones that have been entrusted to me.

Perhaps I should remember more and keep all of the parts of my story in the forefront of my prayers.

Round 2

Today I begin the second round of the Temodar Chemotherapy routine.  I am still feeling really great and able to do most things quite normally.  I started driving again to local places to get used to driving again and so far it hasn't been an issue at all.  I just took my zofran and I will wait 20 minutes to take the chemo pills.  I have to watch my eating times again to be sure I don't eat two hours before or one hour after.  I'm praying that the side effects will be minimal.