Just keep swimming!

I'm on the plane home from a whirlwind east coast visit with two snuggly buddies nestled in airplaine blankets.  I absolutely can't wait to see Paul and to try once again to get back to "normal." That phrase is beyond inadequate for every part of my life, but I desire some sort of stability and so I keep saying it. In reality I need a different phrase because I know in my soul that I'm not trying to get back to anything, just trying to keep moving forward.  

I've always kept a tidy fridge front and I loved that our stainless steel doors didn't hold magnets so I could keep the clutter away, but over the years I did collect a few magnets that I would find places to stash around the house.  One of them says "If everything is not okay, it's not the end." For me that is a clear and personal reminder that what God has in store for me is so much bigger and so much better than I can imagine.  

I'll post pictures of some of our great adventures in PA, and for sure it was an exhausting time, but I feel so grateful for the many conversations and small moments with family and friends.  It is easier than I want to admit to get stuck in a pocket of dreariness but I am quite confidant that God's hand delivered what I can only describe as buoancy to those times.  To come up for air, to see a shimmer of light, to connect again... these were my saving graces over the past few weeks.  

I have struggled to look forward.  It has taken me the better part of the month to recover from the second round of chemo.  As soon as I thought the fatigue and side effects had subsided, another day of heaviness would descend and I would feel as though I could not make any ground.  I feel so apologetic to to my kids because I am not the parent I want to be right now.  Tomorrow I will start round 3 of temozolomide and I am dreading every second of it.  And so the little blue, cheerful, clueless fish Dory from Finding Nemo has become my mental buddy.  I hear her quirky and trite voice "just keep swimming" echo in my thoughts and oddly, it is encouraging.  I can picture her wading through deep waters, not really knowing what is coming up next and yet she just keeps going. I can do that!!!

There were many great moments of joy, but what I will carry as a token is the feeling and the knowledge that we are so well loved and so lucky to be loved.  On the flip side it is a helpless feeling to not fully be able to return the acts of love and generosity that we receive.  I cannot reply to every call or message and I cannot keep running at the pace that I used to run.  It is hard when I desire to live like I used to live.  However, I am so humbly reminded that this is how it is with God.  I am loved so fully and deeply and that God desires so much to be my central focus.  And yet....  God welcomes my feeble and flawed attempts at loving him back.  

Way behind....

I'm at my mid cycle blood draw and I am keenly aware of how far behind I am in updates. Some of them are even typed and not uploaded. 

I think so many things that I want to remember and I experience so much that I want to share but I have been very focused on what is in front of me in each moment. This means I am trying to be present with each visitor, each request for snuggles, each opportunity for a new adventure. It also means that mail piles and laundry have taken a far back seat. 

The short update is that I'm great. I saw a bib today that said "my cup overflows" and I was drawn to it because life is so full and so messy. I am blessed by rich and deep and solid relationships that once again move me to be full of gratitude for God's bounty. Part of that also recognizes that bounty is a lot. It's like having a truckload of red raspberries dumped on you. So good but hard to manage. 

I'm still tired, still noticing depth perception and vision deficits but they are mild. I'm keeping very busy but I know that is my choice. I just love life too much to sit around. I shared with a friend today at the playground that I pinch myself to remember that the mundane is a privilege. 

So more to come. 

My next MRI is August 5th. Chemo will start again that day. Please pray that there is no regrowth. 

Maeve's 6th birthday party

Maeve requested a Lego Friends birthday party and I had been slowly slowly gathering items and ideas for the party.  

We were able to use a local church fellowship hall and the space turned out to be perfect.  

Just a week and a half from our move we were still waiting on the rest of my appliances to be delivered (they were backordered) and I was in my second round of chemo.  Somehow we managed to pull off a fabulous party.  

First I figured out that I could bake in my new microwave! It is a convection microwave and you can put a metal pan right in the microwave and bake.  It worked fabulously!

  I ordered as much as I could on Amazon and I knew that it would all work out somehow.  

We got to the church early Saturday morning and Paul set everything up and decorated.  

We had a big table in the center for kids to sit at.  Here they had a little bin of generic legos that they could build at their seat. 

 When everyone showed up the kids were allowed to move between several stations:

1.  Free Build

2.  Make a Journal

3.  Make Lego Flip Flops

4.  Make Lego Jewelry

The kids carefully and quietly meandered through the stations and played.  It was amazing how calm and relaxed everyone was!

After the stations the kids all ate pizza, pop corn and grapes.  We sang Happy Birthday to Maeve, 

and ate our cupcakes 

After the food was all done,then each child got to build a small lego set to keep. 

We all had a great day!