Just keep swimming!

I'm on the plane home from a whirlwind east coast visit with two snuggly buddies nestled in airplaine blankets.  I absolutely can't wait to see Paul and to try once again to get back to "normal." That phrase is beyond inadequate for every part of my life, but I desire some sort of stability and so I keep saying it. In reality I need a different phrase because I know in my soul that I'm not trying to get back to anything, just trying to keep moving forward.  

I've always kept a tidy fridge front and I loved that our stainless steel doors didn't hold magnets so I could keep the clutter away, but over the years I did collect a few magnets that I would find places to stash around the house.  One of them says "If everything is not okay, it's not the end." For me that is a clear and personal reminder that what God has in store for me is so much bigger and so much better than I can imagine.  

I'll post pictures of some of our great adventures in PA, and for sure it was an exhausting time, but I feel so grateful for the many conversations and small moments with family and friends.  It is easier than I want to admit to get stuck in a pocket of dreariness but I am quite confidant that God's hand delivered what I can only describe as buoancy to those times.  To come up for air, to see a shimmer of light, to connect again... these were my saving graces over the past few weeks.  

I have struggled to look forward.  It has taken me the better part of the month to recover from the second round of chemo.  As soon as I thought the fatigue and side effects had subsided, another day of heaviness would descend and I would feel as though I could not make any ground.  I feel so apologetic to to my kids because I am not the parent I want to be right now.  Tomorrow I will start round 3 of temozolomide and I am dreading every second of it.  And so the little blue, cheerful, clueless fish Dory from Finding Nemo has become my mental buddy.  I hear her quirky and trite voice "just keep swimming" echo in my thoughts and oddly, it is encouraging.  I can picture her wading through deep waters, not really knowing what is coming up next and yet she just keeps going. I can do that!!!

There were many great moments of joy, but what I will carry as a token is the feeling and the knowledge that we are so well loved and so lucky to be loved.  On the flip side it is a helpless feeling to not fully be able to return the acts of love and generosity that we receive.  I cannot reply to every call or message and I cannot keep running at the pace that I used to run.  It is hard when I desire to live like I used to live.  However, I am so humbly reminded that this is how it is with God.  I am loved so fully and deeply and that God desires so much to be my central focus.  And yet....  God welcomes my feeble and flawed attempts at loving him back.