Let your frustration be your joy

After my poor blood work results last week, I was instructed to go back again on Monday of this week.  I went back and there was no change in my numbers.  I was feeling pretty bad, but I attributed it all to the counts being so low.  I progressively felt worse and worse.  Beginning Monday morning a strong headache started in my neck and pulsed throughout my head for the day.  I took Tylenol on and off and slept most of the day.  I slept from about 2:30 on Monday through Tuesday morning.  I did some things Tuesday and came home and went back to bed.  I couldn't shake the headache and at this point I couldn't get out of bed.  I called my nurse to let he know what was up but that I wasn't concerned because my MRI last week was completely clear and I was guessing it was a result of the low counts.  She didn't agree.  After a quick call to my neuro-oncologist I was sent to the ER for a head CT and a host of tests to see if there was a brain bleed or intercranial pressure.  

On the way to the hospital I couldn't sit up and I couldn't focus.  They got me checked in and I couldn't stand the light or stay awake.  I covered my head with a blanket and slept.  Of course, it took a while for everything to happen.  I had 3-4neurological exams, 6 vials of blood drawn, an IV and a shot of morphine.  I was finally taken back for the head CT which turned out to be fine.  Another neurologist came in and did an exam and recommended a lumbar puncture. I was not in favor of this idea!!!!!  

They explained to me that with my blood counts low there could be an infection that no one can see in my spinal fluid.  By drawing some fluid out they could test it to see what might be going on.  I really didn't want this test but I said I would do what they wanted.  This neuro doc called my neuro doc and they discussed things for a while.  

If I had a bacterial infection, I would have had more symptoms.  There was no brain bleed on my scan. If I had too much intercranial pressure than my head would feel like it was exploding, which it wasn't and medicine wouldn't help, which it did.  Meningitis would have also shown up on my scan.  

So after a few hours of close watch with nothing conclusive, my neuro  recommended that I stay over night for monitoring.  I was surprised by this because they didn't find anything.  I asked what they would do differently in the hospital that I wouldn't do at home.  At either place I was going to sleep.  They talked about it and allowed me to go home with a promise that if I had any lethargy or severe headaches I would go right back and get admitted immediately.  They gave me some prescriptions for pain and I finally left late last night.  

Between last week and this week I had 5 or 6 blood draws and IV's.  When the nurse went to put in my IV she looked at my veins and said "look, here's Old Faithful!  We'll use this one since it's already proven to work". I laid there and looked at my arm lamenting all of these needles and wishing it wasn't like this.  I was tired of being pricked and poked.  I don't want to have an "old faithful" vein.  

I remembered a book I read that I was given for Christmas.  It was called Between the Darkness and the Light.  It was an incredibly powerful and must read book.  But what I remembered last night was the chapter about frustration.  The author said that we think we are frustrated by all of these things in life, but often, when we look closely our frustrations often turn out to be our greatest joy.  If we are frustrated at kids or jobs or house circumstances, if we take a look again the things we say drive us nuts, they are really sources of joy.  

So as I pouted over Old Faithful I was reminded that my veins haven't collapsed, that they are strong enough to withstand the pokes, that I have amazing and competent doctors and nurses who cause no pain with needles and that I was alert and aware and alive and my blood and veins are proof of that.  

Of course, when they tell you that your brain might be bleeding your thoughts race quickly.  I wanted to be with my children, in my bed and surrounded by whining and piles of laundry and cat hair... Surrounded by the things that generally cause me frustration.  

I was finally discharged last night and I came home and went right to sleep.  I woke up this morning still feeling the headaches but after an hour or so my head cleared and I feel really good.  

I talked to my nurse again this morning and she said I sounded much better.  There could be a viral infection, but even if they found it, they don't treat viral infections. 

So, now I will have another week or so with no more chemo an time to relax.  

I'll speak tonight at church about 2 Corinthians 5 and how "now" is the time.  Waiting for a different time to reconcile, to change, to start over is not the way to go.  There is no point in waiting when there is "now."  I'm grateful for lent because I love the seasons of the church and I love remembering that it is God's breath alone that gives me life...that without it I am a pile of ashes.  

Ashes or no ashes, I pray that this is a day of reconciliation for you!!!