Sleepy Eyes

It's been a long week and there is a lot to reflect on, but it's hard to keep my eyes open tonight.

I really wanted to give a quick update so that you all don't think I'm doing terribly, because I'm not!

I also had a fabulous friend here from Ohio who was an enormous help.  She kept me busy busy and that allowed me to focus on our friendship and on nature and not on dreary things.  It's hard to believe that I'm not even a week through, but I'm close to being a week through so I guess that is good news.

On Monday morning Paul and Kerry came with me and waited during my first treatment.  It went pretty quickly.  I still struggled when the mask came out and I started to tear up immediately.  I reminded myself from the beginning to breathe deeply.  I remember some meditation that stuck in my head to breathe in all that is God and to breathe out all that is not of God.  So I just kept breathing in and out and it seemed to help.  They did turn music on and it happened to be Bob Marley which was funny because I just mentioned a few minutes earlier that I'm not a Bob Marley fan.  However, the first song was "don't worry about a thing because every little thing is going to be alright..."  I felt that those were pretty cheerful lyrics to start this thing off.  I remember the song changing to Redemption Song and I was listening closely to those words about redemption wondering what God was going to do through me and through this experience, knowing that God can redeem anything.  That was also a comforting thought for me.  At one point, one of the songs was talking about feeling loved and that is when I felt the tears slide down my cheeks because I just feel so loved and surrounded right now, knowing that God is with me even inside that horrible mask.  But I also realized at that point that the tears were futile because I can't wipe them away and so they kind of got stuck! I made a mental note that they were unproductive and that seemed to send them on their way.

All of the radiation days since then have been less emotional and relatively routine.  They have to lift me and move me on the table in different ways because they are treating me in two angles.  I don't feel much but they kind of open this crazy vault in the wall and slip on some metal plate that is designed for me specifically and allows the right amount of radiation to come out at the right place.  There are lasers coming from all sides of the room to be sure that my body is always in perfect position.

On Sunday and Monday we were all sorts of confused trying to organize all of the different pills and days and appointments.  It is quite complicated with when I can eat and when I need to be sure I'm finished eating.  I have to take pills in the morning and evening and then also before radiation.  I can't eat two hours before chemo or one hour after chemo.  I have radiation Monday through Friday.  I have to have blood drawn ever Monday.  I have to meet with my radiation oncologist every Friday. I have to take my seizure meds twelve hours apart.  It is overwhelming to say the least.

So, we worked hard to figure it all out and Paul put reminders in my phone for appointments and medicines and we are just all working together to make sure we don't miss anything.

On Monday I really didn't feel anything from radiation or chemo.  I woke up Tuesday with a teeny bit of nausea but was able to eat fine.  By Wednesday I was tanked after radiation and went to bed around 7 PM and slept until 8 the next morning.  Radiation causes me feel heat on my scalp, as if it was sun burned in the area where the treatment is hitting, but it really isn't bothersome.  The chemo has caused intermittent moments of nausea but nothing more than that so far.  We know that the radiation is cumulative and that by the end I will feel more effects.  We aren't sure if the chemo is cumulative or not, i.e. if I will feel more sick to my stomach as time goes on.  But for these first few days it hasn't been too bad and for that I am really truly grateful.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and well wishes and thoughts as I begin.  I read on Shereadstruth the other day a devotion about getting to Easter and the author likened it to a long road trip that seems like a good idea when you leave but when you are a few hours in seems like the longest journey of your life.  Her child liked to encourage them all in the car to play a mental game called rocket boost...

"Enter my brilliant and blessed son, Oliver. I guess he was probably five at the time he invented the “Rocket Boost”, and it is now everyone’s favorite way to travel. The Rocket Boost is simple: close your eyes, force yourself to sleep, and next thing you know, you’ve completely slept through Kentucky! (Or Connecticut, or wherever it is you’re passing through.) Rocket Boosting is the best basic travel trick we know; even I have been known to sneak a Rocket Boost in the passenger seat from time to time!"

She encourages the readers to set their face upon Jerusalem during this long and contemplative time of lent and I feel so connected to that concept.   My treatment won't be done by Easter and I won't be "cured" by then either, but I don't believe that there is really an "end" date for many of the ailments of our lives.  Instead we have to set our face upon that which we know is true and propel our lives toward that goal, toward that end that we know is so much fuller and greater and more beautiful than the circumstances of our lives... even if the circumstances are just ordinary days and mundane stuff.. it is quite reassuring to know that when we set our face upon Jerusalem that we lead lives that reflect resurrection, not just in lent or on Easter Sunday, but in all that we do.  


When the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face to go to Jerusalem.
Luke 9:51, ESV

I really believe and know that through all of that trial and all of that awful pain and tragedy that Jesus looked it in the eye and knew that he was not limited by it or confined by it, but set free by it.  And to me that is an eternal reminder not to worry about a thing, because every little thing is going to be all right!!!