5 steps forward, then rest

I'm pretty determined to resume some sort of normal.  I have no idea what that is anymore, but I want to find it.  This has been the beginning of my first week without meals and without visitors.  It's my first week where I'll have to do absolutely everything by myself, but it is also the first week I GET to do everything by myself.  I'm thrilled to make dinners and pack lunches and clean up the millions of things that have been left undone.  It's also combined with a lot of chaos that is our preparation for moving across the street.  We are unpacking lots of boxes that we haven't touched since we moved here, trying to decide what we actually need (if you don't use something for 9 months, do you need it?).  We have been working diligently on the new house.  Paul refinished the hardwood floors on the first floor and they look absolutely stunning.  We were told the floors couldn't be saved because they were scratched so heavily by dogs but a $40 rental buffer and some polyurethane and I am amazed by how beautiful they are. 

Paul finished the first floor bathroom and is busy installing pergo flooring in the basement.  I painted the upstairs flooring with an oil based floor paint (those floors were very old and damaged sub floor) and I love it.  I've been working on painting the walls and prepping as much as I can.  I'm very excited to move across the street because it is double the space we are living in now, but I know it is going to be the beginning of a long process of putting things away and reorganizing.  

Today I walked to the store and to the drug store and I was happy to be out and about.  I do believe that every day I feel a little better, however I have very strong and intense waves of exhaustion.  I can be in the middle of something and a wall hits me and I have to lay down.  Sometimes I just need twenty minutes or so and other times I'll sleep for a few hours.  I never really know when the fatigue will win, but usually once a day I need to rest.  I'm fine with this process and I'm grateful that the kids play quietly when I need to lay down or that Paul is around to allow me the time and space to rest.  

Unfortunately it also gives me excess time to think.  I was lamenting that I have accomplished nothing this year.  It's been 5 months and I haven't done anything.  That's a long time to think that your life has pretty much been dormant and it can be a very overwhelming thought.  I was talking with a friend about this and she pushed back against my dreariness and said.. no.. you fought and you survived and you kept going.  You can celebrate these five months and that you are here walking your kids to school and having this conversation.  She was right.  

So, though we didn't do anything super special and I took a very long nap, mother's day was extra meaningful to me this year.  I was so grateful to be my kids' mom and grateful to spend the day with them.  Maeve made me a beautiful water color painting and Noah made me a stained glass tissue paper art piece for the window.  Our rose bushes are in full bloom and so Noah lined the side walk with rose petals for me and put roses next to my pillow while I slept.  Paul bought me flowers and the perfect card and brought me my favorite ice cream.   Paul took the kids to a park in the afternoon and I was bummed to miss out. I feel the tug of war so strongly, as if two forces have each arm... one side is yanking me listing the shortcomings and the losses while the other arm being pulled to recenter and balance me, bombarding me with blessings and gratitude.  As with every moment, I am reminded that my hurdles are no greater or less than any other persons' but how I respond and how I live is what will make a difference.  

The sermon yesterday was from a verse in James I am not overly familiar with:

James 1:23-25 NIV

23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

He talked about how if we look in the mirror, see the things we know need to change and don't do anything then we are saying no to the gospel.  I know which voice I need to listen to and which direction I need to walk and yet sometimes it is so difficult.