January -- surgery and bed rest
February -- recovery from surgery
March -- recovery from surgery
April -- chemo and radiation 160mg
May -- break/recovery from radiation
June -- chemo 300mg
July -- chemo 300mg
August -- chemo 400mg
I'll have a minimum of three more months of chemo and then they will reevaluate.
This higher dose has also brought with it morning nausea and just an off and on queasiness.
As dreary as I sound I know it's not that bad. For at least half of every day I feel normal and I can rally when I need to. I have pushed myself to make the most of the summer and I'm grateful, oh so grateful, that I have done that.
I find myself falling into a few routine traps that I am learning to recognize.
1. I regularly long for my "normal" life. I miss the ability to go for a run or shop all day or take my kids on adventures.
Instead I need to recognize how awesome my life is right now. I'm still going on amazing adventures and exploring the world and enjoying my family.
2. I worry too much and too often about the what ifs of the future. I need to remember that God is in control. Sick or not, medicine or not I have no control over tomorrow. My self reliant persona struggles to remember that it is all perfectly planned and full of beauty.
3. I allow the fatigue to deflate my joy.
I need to remember that my joy is not dependent on any of this but rests in the knowledge that I am loved and chosen by Jesus.
When I was listening to music the other day in the car this song by Laura Story came on. It is one that I know well but I needed to hear it again.
"Blessings"
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life
are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
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