October 1st

Early this morning the neighbor kids barreled in the door.  I was still in my pj's.  It was sweet and it made me happy because these are awesome kids, quickly becoming like siblings to my two.  They are kind and respectful and fantastic.  They wanted to know if Maeve and Noah wanted to walk up with them to school this morning.  I quickly changed and got ready to head out but they were already walking.  It's only two blocks and I can see the school and it's totally safe and I want them to do this, but I stood on our corner watching from afar as the tears slid down my face.  Noah noticed and ran back and said "it's okay, you can come if you want" and I pushed him back to his friends.

I read an article about six months ago about how eight is the time when a boy begins to separate from his mother.  I joked with Noah then about it and he clung to me and said "Never, mama, never."  And slowly I see him hiding things from me and closing the door when he changes and I notice that he tells me less.  The harsh and logical reality is that this is all healthy.  Goodness knows I don't want an 18 year old man cuddling up like a baby bear in my lap and I would know I really failed at parenting if that was the case!

I want them to have the same desire that I had to explore the world and have deep friendships and be confident and independent.  I see their wanderlust in their pleas to go to Paris and even Antarctica... places I had no concept of at their age.  I listen from a distance as they dream up magical worlds with their new friends in the absence of technology and motor powered devices and I am so grateful for these moments.  The boys spend hours with legos and magnets inventing faraway worlds and the girls arrange the dolls in fairytales and classrooms and I am confidant that all is as it should be.  But, I know that it is all so fleeting and it always has been and every moment will be just a wisp that I keep trying to clutch.


I don't want to forget anything.  I don't want to lose any of these special moments because I already forget so much despite my 10,000 photos and blogs and scrapbooks.

And so today I'll sit with tearstained cheeks and ask God for his release for my clutching fists so I can be reminded again and again and again to release them to the great and beautiful plans God has set before them.  It's amazing to know that your prayers have been answered and to add another number to the long list of blessings and it takes power to push down the demon and disillusion of control.

So I'll sit with my Proverb and my Starbucks and enjoy the silence I also asked for.  3:00 will be here soon enough.

The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way? Proverbs 20:24