If you know me, you know I'm not one to sit still. I've never really had just one iron in the fire and even when life is not overcomplicated, I enjoy activity and flurry and energy... so much.
This has been such a humbling time for me to let so much of that go.
I have marveled every day at the privilege that health is. Every time I grasp the cup with my left hand incompletely, ever time I walk into that door way, every time I feel exhaustion creep over me, every time a surge of pain rises to the spot of radiation, I am reminded that these moments inhibit my ability to live as I lived before. Many of these things will subside or even disappear eventually and for that I am so grateful. But honestly, it keeps me grounded. I am reminded so often of a world full of people who are not patient, who are full of judgment, who do not walk in another's shoes or even want to. Paul's parking pass at work allows him to park in the garage so that he can run out and take me to radiation. His boss told him to park in a handicapped spot because there were no regular spots available. Every day he gets dirty looks for getting in and out of his car. He doesn't have a choice. I want to wear a sign sometimes that says I can't see well in my left eye so that when I bump into people they don't think I'm careless or harried, but that I really didn't see them.
As I watch documentary after documentary about science advancements and possible treatments I get a little sick to my stomach thinking about those who have gone through so many rounds and so many years of treatment. I can't imagine doing this again and again and again.
One thing I realized with my last few guests and even feedback from friends here is that I don't seem bad from the outside which is actually comforting. I live and act and talk and laugh exactly as I did before, but my inside reality both emotionally and physically is very different. The even harder thing to explain is that it really isn't that bad, but it is very far from "normal." I am so grateful every single day for my abilities and my strength and stamina that allow me to function as a wife and a mother in a very normal way, but my thoughts very rarely stray from the realities of my limitations and the landscape of the next years. It's kind of like a fully grateful and fully overwhelmed mix which actually seems to be working pretty well.
It keeps me centered and focused on others and their needs, abilities and limitations. It keeps me honest to build and draw upon God's grace and mercy. It keeps me full of humility to remind myself that I need others and I need those that God has put in my path, even if I don't always want the help.
I dream about returning to ministry. I look for jobs. I look at coursework. I imagine a place where I can use my talents and abilities and be part of a collegial community again and then I am so quick to just hide under the blankets and be overwhelmed by my reality.
And so, as always, I take great refuge in God's perfect timing. I'm not in any rush and even if I wanted to be I can't go anywhere! And so I keep learning and growing closer to God, knowing that I can keep trusting my eyes won't always be clouded with this fog that I'm living in but they will grow closer to the eyes of Jesus who sees all of the pain and the hurt and the struggle in the world and sees each person as beloved and beautiful and whole.
Psalm 37 says "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him." I'm trying!
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