Getting to week 5 -- fatigue

One of the symptoms my doctor kept warning me about was fatigue.  He said it could come in many forms and for some people it was worse than others.  I was having a difficult time understanding what fatigue is and defining it.  I didn't feel overly tired most days and I was able to get through most of my daily routines just fine.  But as the weeks went on, I noticed that my vision loss that was so prominent after my surgery had returned.  Once again I was walking into doorways and knocking things over.  I started to feel like I was walking around in a fog, unable to fully focus or concentrate on anything.  I had bursts of pain behind my right ear which is one of my radiation spots. I started to lose my ability to focus on words on a paper, straining very hard and blinking incessantly to be able to see clearly.  I felt very dizzy as if I was on a cruise ship deck and one night I was sitting on my bed and held on for dear life because I was sure I was falling down a flight of stairs.  It all came about slowly and incrementally and I was able to work through most of it.  But last Friday at my weekly follow up when the nurse asked her usual questions I collapsed into a puddle.  I lost most of my hair during that week, the other symptoms seemed to be doubling and I was just exhausted from going to the doctor every day, sometimes several times a day. When the doctor finally came in he suggested that I go on a low dose steroid.  The radiation causes brain swelling and many of my symptoms were likely a result of this swelling.  It felt like he handed me a million dollars.  He said it could cause stomach upset or keep me from sleeping at night but it would likely reduce some swelling and get me through the rest of the treatment a little easier.  I was so grateful.  I am only on day two of the steroid but I already feel a little bit better and I have a little more clarity.

I'm sure you'll shake your head at me, but I keep wrestling with this feeling that I have no reason to feel down or sad because in the grand scheme of things this really isn't that bad.  I'm not vomiting, I'm not listless, I'm not blind, I wake up every morning to snuggles and love and I am surrounded by people who are caring for me and praying for me.

I started to think a lot about how I was "ranking" my situation in comparison to the struggles in life that other people go through.  I think it's a pretty common practice to rank yourself based on others in comparison to income, intelligence, appearance, suffering, joy, etc.  I kept ranking my pain as less than other people's pain because I'm still functioning at a very high level and I'm certain others are going through so much worse.  It took me a few days of mulling this around to be at peace with the fact that this is awful and it's okay to say that.  I don't have to be laying on the ground dying to be in pain and that pain comes in various forms and is experienced in various ways.  Someone else going through my exact set of symptoms and treatment might react totally differently and my feelings and reactions are unique to my life and my circumstances.  I remembered the woman in the New Testament who was to be stoned for adultery and how Jesus came in and asked the one without sin to throw the first stone.  We aren't ranked in God's eyes, but just loved for who we are.

......

We are all, equally, in need of grace and the wonderful news is that God’s grace is sufficient. It is enough for you, and enough for me, and enough for the person I mistakenly feel might be irredeemable. God does not say “get your life cleaned up and when you’ve got it all together, come on in.” Instead He says in Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

God is invitational. He asks for repentance, no question there, but He welcomes the seeking and accepts all who ask to be forgiven. Is there someone on the fringes of your community, of your church, who is weary and burdened? Could you be the person who demonstrates a little of what God’s invitational love looks like? Maybe it’s as simple as smiling and saying hello. Perhaps it is inviting them to sit with you in the service or chat afterwards or go for coffee. Maybe it is simply being able to say “I’m not here to judge.”

When we can see sin for what it really is we can see ourselves as we truly are – an equal community, guilty in a variety of ways but redeemed under one grace. All have sinned, but His grace is enough if we humble ourselves and ask. God doesn’t grade on a curve, thank Heaven for that!