Patience and hope

Yesterday I spent the day back and forth on the phone with UPenn and UW trying to figure out how to get an appointment.  UPenn was saying we didn't sign a records release form.  Paul said he took care of all of this while we were in the hospital.  After several phone calls we decided Paul could take the images they needed and the papers they needed to UW himself (he had them).  As the day went on and Paul had time to go through the huge stack of mail he found two requests for a records transfer fee of $15!!!!!!!!!!  This fee request has been sitting in Seattle for weeks and no one on the phone or at Penn ever mentioned this fee.  Our records could have been transferred a while ago.  This was incredibly frustrating to hear! Luckily he could pay the fee online.  The incredibly nice person on the phone at UW was so patient and kind as I talked to her at least 5 times yesterday!  When Paul got there with the CD's and papers they were waiting for him because I had talked to them so much! Now that they have the information I should be able to make an appointment in a day or two when the doctors review the case.  It might sound restrictive but it is important that the doctors are taking a case that is in their area of expertise and have the appropriate skills and experience to work with us.  I'm glad they are looking so carefully and that they choose to treat cases they feel competent to work with.  

I'm flying out this Friday or Saturday from Pennsylvania and of course I have mixed feelings.  I miss the kids and Paul so much already and it's only been a few days, but I love the feeling of being near to my family and friends here.  Of course, it does help that it was in the high 60s and sunny in Seattle yesterday while it snowed all day here in PA! I'm really looking forward to getting back to my walking lifestyle.  It feels so restrictive here to not be able to walk outside (because it's freezing!) and I can't go anywhere because I can't drive, so I'm really at the mercy of others.  

There have been a couple of big personal developments for me this week both physically and spiritually. 

When we were taking Paul to the airport I noticed that it was difficult for me to process a lot of choices (about who was driving, where to park, whether I would go in) and I couldn't mentally see all of the choices in my mind in the way that I used to.  It was really the first time that I noticed that I couldn't make decisions in the way that I used to.  

I talked to my visiting nurse about it yesterday and she said that even though I can't see it or compare I am a million times better at making decisions and remembering things than I was when I came home from the hospital.  She said my improvement has been remarkable.  All of those who have been with me through the process agreed, it's just that I didn't notice it before so it's striking to me.

The nurse encouraged me to do logic problems, to play memory with the kids, to play candy crush, words with friends and trivia games on my phone and said these things would all help me to put things back in perspective and sharpen my decision making skills.  

I'm still having some issues with things on my left side and have walked into most door frames on the left side.  Matt and Yaz were here making dinner one  evening and he was on my left and I just kept walking into him over and over!  I have to be very careful to look exactly where I'm going (which has never been a strong trait of mine!!!!!!!) I've also started to put my hands out a little bit to feel for something I might not be able to see directly.  The nurse said it can take 8 weeks for the swelling to go down on my brain and after the swelling is gone I might see some of those things improve.   Despite all of these things I feel very much myself and have had the energy to do some laundry and make coffee and organize my things a little.  I feel so blessed then when I laugh and talk with friends and family it feels normal and ordinary and cheerful. I was having some minor headaches but that seems to have subsided as well.  I'm not taking pain meds anymore and really I'm only down to one anti-seizure pill a day.   I have been working on putting the pieces of the last month back together as I don't remember much from the time I went to take a nap until I came home from the hospital.  I don't remember many of your visits and as I look through the incredibly thoughtul gifts and cards it reminds me of how many visitors I had!

I've always said that God has perfect timing.   It's not our timing, but God knows what God is doing.  As I piece together these memories I feel so grateful and blessed for the way things happened on the 30th.  I thank God we were home, that I was in bed, that I wasn't at a restaurant or a store or driving.  I thank God that Paul's mom was here and had a calming presence, that Kelsey took the kids and cared for them.  There are so many things that could have been different and could have altered the outcome and I just get overwhelmed by the order of it all.  Thank you for all that you have done and continue to do for my family and I.  

Many of you have asked what you can pray for specifically.  And I know many of you might not be praying people.  

Earlier this week I was focused on read all the verses I could find on fear.  I wanted to hear all of the promises that I have no reason to fear and the verse in 1 John 4--  Perfect love casts out all fear kept coming to mind.  I just kept wondering about that and how to cast out fear of the unknown future.  

And as I was cleaning up the mess that my room has become I came accross a cookie that my sister in law got me for Christmas.  Wrapped in celophane was a simple sugar cookie she bought at a church function and in green gel icing was the word hope.  It took my breath away and reminded me that there is no value in focusing on fear because fear will do nothing for me.  Fear will trap me and separate me from the promises of love. 

Last night I wanted to learn more about 1 John 4 and Love casting out fear and so I watched an online video/sermon/testimony  from Joyce Meyers about fear and love and projected on to the screen was  Romans 12:12 (not the verse, just the citation.)

I read more in 1 John 4 and realized that a different section of the verse in a different translation was the verse Paul and I chose for our wedding -- Beloved let us love one another because love comes from God.  In a very round about and windy way I was brought back to the incredible love I have for my husband and for the incredible gratitude I have for all of the love I have known and know in this moment in my life.  

So this morning I was determined to focus on what scripture has to say about hope and the first listing in my concordance was Romans 12:12. 

Romans 12:12 --  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction.  

In Genesis 18 Abraham shows us the first example in the bible of intercessory prayer --  pleading with God on behalf of another person.  And through this example we know that God hears Abraham and that God is willing to listen and act based on Abraham's pleas.  

So, though I believe in science (hello... I let people saw open my skull and operate on my brain!) I believe in miracles and I believe in prayer.  If you have asked me what to pray for... pray that fear does not take hold and that when it creeps in that I remember that hope and faith are stronger than fear. Pray that I can be patient through this process.  Patience has never been my strong suit but I believe that through this process my faith will grow and I will learn so much.  Pray that the tumors don't return.  

Even as we speak, our new community in Seattle is making Paul food, organizing play dates for the kids, helping with our cats, and offering acts of service and love.  I think my list of blessings has blown past 1,000!!!  

So, thanks for reading this really long post!!!!  And thanks for your love and support and care.  And for a million other reasons thank you!!!!